We're on a break...

So...I have decided to stop blogging. I've been toying with the idea for several months now, but I was trying to hang on til the end of the year to wrap things up completely. However, the more I thought about it, the more I was ready to just be done. And rather than wait for the end of the year, or even the end of the week, I think now is as good a time as any to call it quits.

I started this blog nearly 4 years ago, in anticipation of my moving to Seattle. I wanted a way to keep my family involved in what I was up to, but mostly I really enjoy writing and this seemed like a good way to do both. For the most part, I have loved blogging! It's fun to get my thoughts out, and to read comments from friends and family. But more and more it's become a drudgery, and I pay way too much attention to how many comments I'm getting rather than why I'm writing at all (And if I read someone else's blog and they have 48 comments and I'm getting 2, then there must be something wrong with me?). The cycle is vicious and not very inspiring!

My life is mostly pretty routine, and to write about bus then work then bus then home just seems lame. Creatively, it feels like I'm running on empty and not coming up with anything new to make my day to day more exciting.

In addition I've decided to cut reading some of the blogs that I currently follow. A lot of my friends keep lovely blogs, and while I love keeping up with their lives, I've found that it does more harm than good for me to read. It's hard enough for me to keep my head above water some days, and reading about funny things their kids say or do, or looking at pictures of exotic trips or cute crafts has become kind of painful. They have what I want! And seeing it spelled out in beautiful photo-shopped photos is not helping me. I totally understand that this is my problem. Totally and completely! But all I have is control over my own life, and barely that, so I feel like it's up to me to limit how much I see of things that make me anxious. So for those of you that used to see comments from me on your blog and aren't any longer, I'm sorry! Know that I love you! But I may have stopped reading...

Phew! That is a lot of explanation! As usual, probably way more than you needed to hear. But I wanted to be honest about why I'm stopping and also not just drop off the face of the earth and leave anyone wondering whether or not I'd blog again.

To the three people that read this blog, thank you! My sister Angie, my niece Maya, and my friend Jen. You have all been so encouraging and I appreciate your support so much! Who knows, maybe all I need is a break and I'll be back next year? We'll see.

So long, farewell

We had a farewell party today at work for 5 of my co-workers that are leaving tomorrow and next week. It's not unusual to have people leave, nurses are by nature pretty transitory. But these co-workers are all office people - my people. And all of them, except one, have been there longer than 5 years.

For someone that loves change as much as I do, I'm discovering that I don't like it when it isn't my own choice. Its tough to say goodbye to such dear people! I think that from now on, I'd like to be the person moving on...

And these aren't just some random office workers, these are dear sweet friends. One is my previous boss - the lady that hired me. Even when others in the interview weren't sure if I was qualified enough, she was the one that stood up for me and said that she wanted me as her assistant.

Another is a lady that sits next to me in the office. From the very first day I started working there, we've been friends. We found out that we lived in the same apartment complex, and that sealed it from there on. She and I appear to be completely different - she's Russian, has two children, extremely fit and active, etc. I'm not any of those! But the more I've gotten to know her, the more I find things we share. We're both passionate about our beliefs, our family, and take great pride in our work. We're both incredibly sensitive and cry easily - if one of us starts, the other one is a goner! I'll miss her more than I can say. I see so many things in her that I want for myself.

And of course there is my buddy Christine. Sometimes I sit and wonder why someone so cool and gorgeous as her is friends with little old me! A truly beautiful person inside and out, and I think of her as one of my dearest of friends. Its hard to say what she's meant to me, and how much I admire and love her. I've known about her leaving for quite some time, but it hasn't really processed yet. I don't think I'm letting myself contemplate what it will mean to have her out of the office. I'm a cryer, so its probably better if I don't think too hard on it! Luckily she has a cat that needs tending sometimes, and I'm sure we'll still be friends, but still...things will be different.

And it's hard to not start wondering about my own future at this company and when it will be a good time for me to move on. Nothing to report on now, but the topic has definitely been on my mind a lot. When to stay, when to go...bring on some change!

Answer the blasted phone!

Have you ever tried to make phone contact with 16 women? Let me tell you, it's impossible. No one is ever home. They don't return calls. The messages get lost. The phone is disconnected and out of service. Their voicemail is full. It's insanity!

I'm helping coordinate a dinner at my church for around 300 women, and putting together the menu, price shopping, and picking up ingredients has been a piece of cake compared to trying to contact these people. 16 women signed up to put the main dish together - we supply the ingredients, and even pre-cut the vegetables, all they have to do is put it together and bake it. So I'm trying to make sure that everyone that signed up to do this, is still willing to do it and give them directions on when to pick things up, etc. I've spent the past 5 days, calling, calling, and calling again.

It's two days from now, and I've finally made contact with 13 of my people. Think I'm going to make it? I'm worried it's going to come down to a loaves and the fishes type of miracle to pull this thing off.

...and I'm a Mormon

Starting in October, my church (officially called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but you know us as Mormons) is doing a push of TV advertisements, radio spots, billboards, web ads, etc in Western Washington to educate people about who we are. The media campaign is called "I'm a Mormon" and in church today we learned all about what would be shared.

I was shocked by some of the statistics surrounding our church. Like even though we are the 4th largest church in America, and the fastest growing, around 40% of adults in the United States are not familiar with our beliefs. 44% consider us family oriented. 38% believe we're a cult. 28% think we're secretive. And 9% call us pushy. (Only 9? Guess I've got some work to do! :))

At church they showed us some of the short video clips that were made so we'd know what was being put out there, and talking with people afterwards, the main thing we all thought was that they show just how "normal" we are. I never really considered myself to be abnormal, but I like that the videos show that we're not as weird as people may think!


Here's a video from a guy that lived down the street from me growing up. Who would have thought little Erick Lund would turn out so well?! Actually, I always did....



The main part of the campaign are these short videos done by members of the Church, talking about their life. Their family, their struggles, and what makes them happy. There isn't any preaching, judging or cult-like behavior. Just normal people talking about normal every day things. And, oh yeah, we're Mormons. Because it's hard to talk about how happy we are without sharing the why. And the "why" is the most important! A life of service, introspection, and dedication to God is a happy one. Not absent of trials, but full of direction and purpose when those hard times come. Nothing makes me happier than my membership in this Church, my relationship to God, and being able to tell people about it. It's nice to clear up any weird ideas they have also...

I hope that people see these ads and think that yes, we're normal. But also that they can ask us questions. Do we want them to have this same peace and happiness and be a Mormon too? Yes of course! But the ads aren't pushy, more of a Mormon PSA. I've watched a bunch, and they're well done, sometimes funny sometimes a little emotional, but they're the most honest representation of Mormon people I've seen.

And I should know.... I'm a Mormon.

The Dating Game

I was talking to someone the other day about some career choices I have ahead of me - just discussing how difficult it is to try and be career minded, when it's not something that I've chosen for myself. Her response took me completely by surprise and I hate to admit, but it's been eating at me ever since.

It didn't start out well, when she didn't talk about my job at all, but went straight to the topic of dating. Oh boy, here we go. She asked if I had tried online dating, and I told her that I was but not having any success there either. And then the topper, "Well are you really trying it? Like are you just glancing at it sort of half-halfheartedly or are you really trying? Really getting on there every day and responding to people? And maybe you need to get out to more activities, so you can meet more people?"

Well, we ended our conversation pretty soon after that. I know it was said out of concern, but this lecture is still bugging me. First of all, I didn't ask for dating advice. Secondly, it's not that easy. Go to an activity, meet someone, get married. Maybe for some people it is, but I've been going to activities for 12 years now and it isn't happening. And last of all, does she know what my options are online? I thought it might be nice to let you all see what I see, and help me make the decision.

Yesterday I got three messages on the dating site that I'm on. Mind you, this is a Mormon dating site, so some of the responses are centered around church things. But here you go:

Bachelor Number One -
Age 48
Divorced
Has 8 children, lives with 0
Lists himself as "very good-looking"
His message to me: "I am not LDS, however I am on this site to find my Twinflame/Soulmate. Let's meet!"

His picture looks like Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort. I'm not kidding! He has a normal nose, but other than that, this is his profile pic:


Bachelor Number Two-
Age 35
Divorced
Has 2 children, lives with 0
Temple Status : "I'd prefer not to say"
His message to me: "I like to laugh until I have stomach cramps, but I don't like other people's drama."

He also uses the word "really" a lot. A lot, a lot. (not a deal breaker, but its a little odd...)


Bachelor Number Three -
Age 78
Do I need to go on?


No kidding, these are real people and real messages. No embellishment needed! All right, so who do I pick? Who do I "really try" to make a match with? You guys pick and I'll go for it. My vote is for TwinFlame, but I'm open to suggestions...

All you need is love - ba, ba, ba ba ba...

I was lucky enough to have my brother, his wife, and kids visit me this past weekend. I never get to see those kids enough, so it's a treat to have them up this way. The inevitable circus of trying to get 4 kids under the age of 8 to do anything or go anywhere made it difficult to accomplish all that us adults wanted to.

It seemed like the simplest task took hours, and the time slipped away from us much too quickly. I know it's a hassle for Mark and Olya to take the kids anywhere, but I think of my own memories on family vacations and I think it's all worth it. The expense, the tiredness, the moments you just want to strangle those kids... worth it! For me those negative times were forgotten by Elijah telling me he loves me, of the feel of small hands holding mine, and by being smothered with hugs and shouts of "Wisa!" anytime I'd walk in the room (how could you not love that?! No one else is ever that excited to see me!). Worth it.

I had a few quiet moments yesterday with the oldest, Maya, and I asked her what her favorite part of the vacation was. She thought carefully and then said, "Remember when we were playing in the park and we dog-piled on you? Remember how you were laughing so hard?" I loved this answer! We did have fun at that park, and man I did laugh hard when they all piled on top of me. That was one of those moments I'll keep with me. The sound of their voices, their cute little faces beaming, and sweet laughter as we played. That's what it's all about.

I mentioned this story to a friend of mine at church today, and said that after all that was planned, the money spent and the time driving and all that effort, the part she liked the best was when we were laughing together. I casually remarked that really all the kids wanted was some extra love and attention. She listened and laughed along with me, then pausing for a moment said, "It's true for all of us, isn't it? All we're looking for and need is a little love and attention. "


Amen, friend.

Is it worth it?

My disease has lots of names - Iwantittoo-itis, jealousofyourstuff-pathy, or even sometimes lifeisnotfair-osis. Mostly it's just called greed.

I think it's human nature to want more, covet what your neighbor has, and to just in general not be satisfied with what you have and are. Some people seem to overcome this a little easier than others, but I would bet that we're all touched with it just a smidge. But since I can't do much about what others think and do, I know that for me and myself, we're suffering right now with a severe case of the greeds.

I see my friends laying down hundreds of dollars on new clothes, buying houses, and getting all the new gadgets and technology that I have been ogling. Going out to eat, taking vacations, and spending money seem to come so easily to them. Not a care in the world! Meanwhile, I scrimp and save and work to be able to make it from paycheck to paycheck.

And then my thoughts take over and run wild with it: "Where is the justice? Where is the humanity? Why in the world is life not fair? After all, aren't I working just as hard as they are? Don't I manage my money to the best of my abilities? Then why am I still so stressed about it? Why is money so constantly on my mind?"

These thoughts and more are constantly with me - like a vulture surrounding it's prey, they swarm above my head and occassionally dip down and deliver a harsh peck. You sure need some new clothes - peck! Look at her, she can afford to buy new things whenever she wishes. You're phone contract is up this week, sure would be nice to have that new iphone - peck! Everyone has a touch screen phone except you! If you don't find a new job that makes more money, you'll never go anywhere and be stuck in this dead end job forever - peck! You aren't being compensated for how hard you work. And on and on...until my carcass is pecked to death and I feel exhausted and beaten.

I have been pondering this for a long time, unhappy with how easily I allow myself to get upset, and fighting internally to get some answers and receive peace. And as I was mulling the subject over, a memory came to my mind. I remembered my first paycheck from my current job. I had been out of work for nearly two months, was down to literally my last dollar, and couldn't wait to get a paycheck. So of course, it didn't come. Payday came and went and that check didn't arrive. I was frantic! No food in the house, no money in the bank, and it was Friday so nothing could be done all weekend. Early Monday morning, I called Human Resources and was told they put the wrong address on the check so it was being returned to them. I explained my situation, and I'm sure the worker could hear the desperation in my voice. He offered to cut a new check if I was willing to drive down and pick it up - I was practically in the car before he finished speaking.

I sped down to Renton and picked up my precious first paycheck. I made it all the way back to my car before opening it up, and nearly screamed with excitement over the amount listed. Holy crap! Had they made a mistake?! This was the biggest paycheck I had ever seen. My last job was in Small Town USA, only part time, so to move to a big city and receive a full sized paycheck was startling. I sat in my car and with trembling hands held that coveted paycheck, sending whispered prayers up to heaven in gratitude for such a blessing, and I vowed to never forget it.

And I haven't.

This was the memory that came to mind first while I was searching for answers. This was the feeling that was reminded to me when I felt despair. So I take from that experience the lessons that I need to move forward - First, that I have enough. My needs are taken care of. I have a car (a brand new one even!), I have clothes, I have food. I have a job - who cares if I have to live paycheck to paycheck? At least I have paychecks! It's enough. Second, there will always be someone with more than me. Doesn't make what I have any less, it just means there's a difference. So stop comparing! Let it go. And third, it's probably good to go without sometimes. So what if I take less vacations or have less new clothes in the closet? It hasn't hurt me a bit to save and wait for something that I really want, in fact I'm probably developing that blasted character that I never wanted (kidding, mom). I don't know that it's healthy to constantly have our wants satisfied as fast as we can come up with them. Most of the time, if I put off buying something that I really want, I'll save up and get it later. If it's just a passing fancy, then... it passes.

Of course my struggle is not over. This will probably continue to plague me from time to time, but for now, the vulture is swarming somewhere else and I have peace. I have enough. I am enough.



Afterword: I decided to go for a week without spending a dime and was surprised at how hard it was. Give it a try! It doesn't sound that bad, but I'm talking no lunches out, no quick trip to the grocery for something you forgot, no paying your library dues. It was really interesting, and really difficult!